There's dog hair all over the house.

But they aren’t heartless

He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her. "Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast. The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?" "No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."

...Said Noah as the ark began to sink...

Many people are recycling old jokes.

Especially after a 31 day march (Was supposed to upload yesterday forgot to press send)

I'm the youngest of three siblings - my oldest brother, middle sister, and me. My sister had her first child a couple of years ago. Really sweet kid, and at the point of just starting to pick up language. Once she learns a new word, she'll point to different things and say the word, to test if it works. Like when she learned the word 'cat', she would point to things and say, 'Cat!' So now, it's our job to correct her and say things like, 'That's right!' or 'No, honey, that's a DOG. Can you say 'dog'?' You know how these things go. She's learning pretty quickly, and moving onto more difficult, multi-syllabic words. Recently, she learned the word 'computer', but her pronunciation is a little off. So when I went over to my sister's place last weekend, my niece greated me at the door, pointing at me and saying, 'comPOOPer!' I said, "No, honey, that's your other uncle."

When he tells me my granddaughter has grown half a foot since I last saw her I don’t know whether to be excited or very, very concerned.

Testickles

I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone. When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?” It was my girlfriend’s daughter. I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?” She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.” I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.” She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.” At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy. So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?” I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up. I asked, “What happened?” She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.” I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?” She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.” And that’s when I realized… We just lost two people today. And I don’t have a pool. So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

"Doc, I think something’s wrong with my junk." The doctor puts on his gloves. "Alright, drop your pants and let’s take a look." The man drops his pants, and his junk is completely orange. The doctor stares. "Whoa… what the hell have you been doing?!" The man sighs. "Well… not much lately. Just sitting at home, watching porn, and eating Doritos."